Not Really a Secret Lair

Title: Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most (Updated with Answers to the 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions About Difficult Conversations) 10^th - Anniversary Edition

Author: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

ISBN: 978-0-14-311844-2

Summary:

A general purpose handbook for understanding and managing Difficult Conversations from the Harvard Negotiation Project[1].

Writing Style:

This book is aimed at a general audience and its examples are pulled from work, home, and daily experiences. The language is simple and straight forward. It has a somewhat impersonal presentation style, snappy titles, and short sections. This book came out of a business/law school and is used in workplace conflict and communications training. The presentation of the book reflects that.[2]

It does not have a keyword index. Instead, the back of the book contains a “A Roadmap to Difficult Conversations” section which outlines the main ideas of every section in a few words. That is useful, but some people may find the lack of an index irritating. (I tried to look up “empathy”. I was annoyed that I had to dig through the Roadmap, then the text, so that I could reference it in an example.)

My Opinion:

This is an excellent book on its own or as a compliment to other communications and conflict books. I recommend it.

Its definition of a Difficult Conversation is simple: a difficult conversation is a conversation about anything you find it hard to talk about. These conversations may be awkward, uncomfortable, dreaded, uncertain, important, annoying, avoided, or about things we care deeply about. These are the conversations we wish we could wave a magic wand at or simply nuke from space. The book’s process is intended to make these conversations less painful and more successful.

The first part of the book breaks down Difficult Conversations into three concurrent conversations: the “What happened…?” conversation, the Feelings conversation, and the Identity conversation. It explores what each of these are, how to approach them successfully, and ways to make them blow up in your face. The middle section breaks down Difficult Conversations into a step-by-step walk through of what-comes-when and the skills to use in each part. The final section (in this edition) is a FAQ that addresses a variety  of (antagonistic) questions about the process (i.e. “It sounds like you are saying everything is relative. Aren’t some things just true, and can’t someone be just wrong?”). The entire book focuses on implementing a LEARNING STANCE and the CONTRIBUTION APPROACH in Difficult Conversations.[3] This stuff works. The book contains knowledge and skills that conflict professionals actually use and which doesn’t require both parties in the conversation to be on-board for them to work.

I wouldn’t call this a “self-help” book, so much as a “how-to” book. It is the kind of book which you could pick up 15 minutes before a Difficult Conversation and you would quickly get a few tactics that might be immediately applicable in said conversation. It answers the question “What do I do?” (i.e. Problem + Solution = Action) in every section, no matter how short the section.

It is a process and applications type book. It will appeal to a problem-solving mindset as it focuses on behaviour changes (via changes in goals and thinking) and treads very lightly on issues of self-awareness and other complicating issues. It acknowledges that these are important in a similar manner to a house-building manual acknowledging that a “good location” is important. It acknowledges that “good location” is something you should consider when “building a house”, but it doesn’t go into these in depth. This will be especially appealing to the “I just want to build a FUCKING HOUSE, DAMNIT! I don’t want to waste my time with useless SHIT!” crowd. Which is fine. This book is well targeted for that attitude[4].

However, even the best built house will have problems if it is built without regard to its surroundings[5] and this process isn’t a MAGIC BULLET that will be the SOLUTION TO ALL THINGS allowing you to bypass everything that makes you UNCOMFORTABLE. If you come at this book with that attitude, I invite you to imagine me demonstrating my EVIL LAUGH in your general direction. Good tactics and strategies are built on a backbone of good intel. This book assumes you have some skills in “Know Thy Landmines” and that shit. Or that you will work at learning those skills.

Evil Overlord Assessment:

In the Mirror Universe, this book would be about “How to Pick Fights” and would map out how to be positional, confrontational, avoidant, and competitive instead of using a better option. We would be able to ensure that we shoot ourselves in the foot with the greatest of ease! (All the things outlined under “normal behaviours that people do” in this book. All the “before” parts in the examples.) In the Mirror Universe, guaranteed-to-blow-up things would be preferred methods of creating conflict in difficult situations. The Right way of doing things… Are you sure you aren’t living in the Mirror Universe?[6]

Footnotes:

[1]  Harvard Negotiation Project

[2] If you can’t find it in the self-help or psychology section of your local bookstore, then check the business section.

[3] I have a very strong bias in favour of the learning stance (curiosity) approach to conflict. That’s what Insight mediation is all about (my training).

[4] Chapter 9 is filled with tools that are useful for performing empathy, but only the last two paragraphs of the chapter directly use the word “empathy”.

[5] When I was a teenager, I read Pierre Berton’s series on the building of the Canadian transcontinental railway. He told a story about locomotives disappearing into a swamp and the company building more tracks over top of them. Applying “fixes” to conflict and relationships may not work as expected… not because the processes (locomotives) aren’t well built, but because it was in a swamp. Sometimes you have to build in swamps. That happens.

[6] Quick, check for unnecessary goatees!

Doc Paradise, Super-Villain and CEO of Paradise Labs, skimmed the latest complaint of favouritism in Paradise Lab’s Industrial Intelligence Department and raised an eyebrow at Agent ‘Marks, Jason Marks’. He had personally brought this complaint to Paradise’s attention. Given that the denizens of Industrial Intelligence (where agents of competitors sent to steal secrets from Paradise Labs were safely contained) usually were distracted by either the elegant martini bar or the swarm of security robots, Paradise was intrigued enough to pay attention. Without lowering the eyebrow Paradise pulled off the report cover and started performing a rite of origami on it.

"What is the problem?" Paradise asked in a lightly pleasant tone.

Title: Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach

Author: Patricia A. DeYoung

ISBN: 978-1-138-83120-9

Summary:

Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame is a manual for therapists on a variety of methods and theories for connecting with clients suffering from chronic shame. It focuses on interpersonal approaches (relationship between therapist and client mostly) and shame as an relational experience. The book covers understanding shame (“what is”, theories, relational and biological components, regulation/dysregulation, narratives, assessment) and treating shame (prerequisites, right-brain connection and integration, dissociation, transference/countertransference, relationship between client and therapist, long term care/maintenance).

Writing Style:

This book is intended for use by therapists working with chronic shame in their clients. It is not aimed at the general public. That said, the writing is very accessible, even if the content punches you in the face multiple times. This technically isn’t a self-help book. It is more of a help-others book or a I-wish-others-would-do-this-for-me book. It teaches jargon, technique, and theory. It is surprisingly thin, but it is dense with information. No matter who reads it, it is likely to be a slow and hard read. It assumes a background of training in psychotherapy.

The author, Patricia DeYoung, is a practicing relational psychotherapist and teacher/professor of Relational Psychotherapy in Toronto. She has a second book on relational psychotherapy (Relational Psychotherapy: A Primer, 2^nd ed.) that I haven’t read yet.

My Opinion:

The opening paragraph of the Introduction sums up the book nicely:

“Shame hurts. If our shame is exposed, the pain can be unbearable. To save ourselves, we push shame away as fast as we can, covering for it with more tolerable states of being. These states of being are what we come to know of shame, both in ourselves and others. But they are compensations and collapse, masks and sleights of mind; they are not shame itself. What is shame itself? This book proposes that, despite its many disguises, shame can be understood as a unique, specific kind of interpersonal experience. This understanding of shame helps us see what’s behind the camouflage. It also helps us as therapists, making interpersonal contact with our chronically shamed clients in a way that can ease their suffering.” (-Page xii)

WARNING: The contents of this book, if they apply to you, are something that would be best faced with the help of a competent and trusted mental health professional. [1]

Just because a book is in the psychology/self-help section of a book store doesn’t mean that it is a SELF-help book. A premise of self-help marketing is that YOU CAN FIX YOURSELF (which also assumes that you are broken). If the reader can’t do that, then they may be left feeling like they failed or that there is something wrong with them. Thing is, we CAN’T always just “fix ourselves” and there are lots of legitimate reasons why that may be so. These can range from “we aren’t broken” to “the problem isn’t us” to “we don’t have the expertise” to “this triggers our issues”, and so on. This book is very clear that it is presenting a therapy that is performed as part of a relationship between a person experiencing shame and a regulating other[2].

What this book can offer the self-help reader is: a clearly written description of the experience of shame and disintegration of self; some understanding of why it is so hard to talk about shame; some exposure to the language and treatments used in therapy; and some idea of what to look for and avoid in therapy. It may also give a sense of recognition (and the emotions that go with that) of what one is going through and what the regulating/dysregulating others in their life are doing that helps or harms. [1, 2]

Which brings me to the other pervasive premise in self-help marketing: the idea that the reader should be able to fix others and make everything okay for them. If the reader can’t, then SOMEBODY IS TO BLAME (preferably not the reader). This idea can be dangerous. This book has some excellent information on being an effective regulating other. It also points out that there are prerequisite skills (chapter 6) that are necessary if a therapist is to work with shame without causing further damage (to the client or the therapist). This is heavy shit. While being a regulating other (and avoiding being a dysregulating one) is a normal part of human relationships (ex: Parent-child, partners, friends, etc [2]) and this book does have advice for that… it won’t change the reader from a clueless newb into a competent therapist. It isn’t meant to.

That said, Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame is amazing at explaining what chronic shame is and treatments for it, and it has an accessible writing style that I rarely see in textbooks/teaching books (especially when the topic is this difficult). Reading it may hurt.

Evil Overlord Assessment:

Keeping your victims off balance is one of the essential elements of Keeping Someone With You Forever and it can be a fine line to manage successfully. Finding the right target makes the whole thing simpler. For a target with chronic shame, dysregulation is like a BIG RED BUTTON of DOOM. Convince them that you are someone they want to trust or need to trust, then HIT THAT BUTTON any time you want them to fall apart. They won’t be of any use to you while they are in pieces, but they also won’t be of any use to themselves either.

Footnotes:

[1] Here are two (American) blog posts on finding a therapist that may be useful in your search (YMMV): How to Shop for a Therapist and How to Get the Most Out of Therapy. There are more posts and articles on this topic out there. It is worth thinking about what makes a therapist a good fit for you and your needs. Not every therapist is a good fit or even competent. Firing one, or deciding to use someone else (for any reason), is something that happens.

[2] “Regulating other” and “dysregulating other” are terms related to attachment theory. As used in this book, they mean “a person on whom I rely to resound to my emotions in ways that help me not to be overwhelmed by them, but rather to contain, accept, and integrate them into an emotional “me” I can feel comfortable being” [definition of “regulating other” from page 21] and “a person I want to trust — and should be able to trust — to help me manage my affect or emotion. But this person’s response to me, or lack of response to me, does exactly the opposite: it does not help me contain, accept, or integrate” [definition of “dysregulating other” from page 21] respectively.

CONTENT WARNING: The main linked websites contain descriptions, both examples and fiction, of toxic relationships and abuse. The news link leads to an article on L.M. Montgomery’s death.

Title: Sick Systems (websites) and Down The Rabbit Hole (website)

Author: Issendai

Website: Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever

Website: Sick Systems: Tag (LJ)

Website: Down The Rabbit Hole: The world of estranged parents’ forums

Title: The Blue Castle (novel)

Author: L.M. Montgomery

ISBN: 0-7704-2315-9

Website: The Blue Castle [full text]

Summaries:

The Sick Systems links are a set of writings and satire on toxic/abusive environments and relationships, and how they work. Down The Rabbit Hole is a set of analytical writings on estranged parent and grandparent forums from the point of view that these forums provide insight into abusive behaviour through the lens of the people doing it and talking about it online. Both of these are amateur and insightful analyses of the topics.

The Blue Castle is a novel set in the early 1900’s Ontario (Canada). Valency Stirling is a depressed and chronically ill woman trapped by her society, circumstances, and toxic family, in a life that she hates. Then she gets news that she only has one year to live and decides that she shall live it (“I may not be able to do much that I want to do but I won't do another thing that I don't want to do.”) This, unsurprisingly, pisses off her family and improves her life.

Writing Styles:

Issendai’s writings are a mix of satire and analysis. How to Keep Someone With You Forever might as well be the Evil Overlord Assessment for this review. They make use of examples and links to threads external to them and following these links can lead to both insights both informative and ugly.

Lucy Maud Montgomery is a Canadian writer better known for the Anne of Green Gables series. This is one of her few books that is entirely about an adult protagonist and set outside of PEI. Despite being known as a children’s author[1], L.M. Montgomery knew quite a bit about sick systems and mental illness (News link). It shows.

My Opinion:

Read it in this order:

1) How to Keep Someone With You Forever

2) The Blue Castle - Chapters 1-8

3) The Tenacity of a Sick System

4) Ginnie Post: Breaking a Sick System by Walking Away

5) The Blue Castle - Chapters 9-45

Extra: Keep Down The Rabbit Hole: The world of estranged parents’ forums open (for comparisons) while reading The Blue Castle.

I realize that The Blue Castle is a work of fiction, however I can’t help but notice how well it illustrates Issendai’s observations and I think the novel benefits from a combined reading… otherwise the first eight chapters are unrelentingly dismal. I love both The Blue Castle and Issendai’s satire (obviously given my spin here), and the brief love fest that is to be this review gives me a chance to point out that there is a place for both Credentialed self-help and Amateur self-help. I will be writing about both, so it is useful to note some of the potential differences I’ve noticed.

In self-help works where the author’s name come with a list of credentials, the back material often contains a substantial list of references [2]. This can be useful if you want to follow up on something or check research. They are also more likely to draw on  studies, professional experience, and research in their area of expertise, rather than anecdotes and personal experience. This isn’t guaranteed. “More likely” doesn’t mean “certain” and what we think we know and the values that drive that understanding can vary and change quite a bit. Also, outright fraud tends to be more convincing and harder to debunk if it is perceived as authoritative [3]. Readability of professional self-help can suffer from jargon, ego, textbook-itus, and the desperate belief that publishing one’s Ph.D. thesis is a way to fame or fortune.

Amateur self-help (like Issendai’s), can be more readable and relatable. It tends to rely more on personal anecdotes [4] and experience, storytelling, opinions, and interpretation of other people’s work. This can be very useful, especially if the author is skilled at making complex ideas accessible to a general audience. We tend to connect more with the personal and it has a greater ability to move us. How to Keep Someone With You Forever is a presentation of widely accepted views on how abuse works. Its humour and presentation make sense of something that is rather horrific. In addition, biases and spins may be more blatant. In this case, the Evil Overlord slant hits you over the head with the idea that only someone “Evil” would think this is a good idea. Amateur self-help is “buyer beware” (even more than credentialed self-help). Truthiness and common sense can be very convincing if they line up with our own biases or narrow experience. [5]

I like Issendai's observations. They amuse me, connect with me, and have truthiness for me. That said, it is opinions and observations on the Internet without much referencing. Do your own checking.

Evil Overlord Assessment:

How to Keep Someone With You Forever is a “How-To” manual of the highest order. This shit works. It works deliberately. It works accidentally. Watch the accidental stuff… it might trap you as well as your target.

Footnotes:

[1] Why are there so many orphans on PEI in her books? It’s not necessarily because their parents are dead. Unwed women could “go away” (to Halifax, N.S. or other locations) to have their babies, who were then either put up for adoption or “adopted” into the family of one of the parents.

[2] Do you read footnotes? I rarely do. I wonder what we are missing.

[3] Dear Andrew Wakefield, Go. Fuck. Yourself.

[4] The plural of anecdote is NOT data.

[5] I know someone who tracked a fake university back to an office containing multiple such universities. I’m told it was near to the FBI building in Hawaii. This assertion doesn’t have any references to check, so you will have to do your own work to find out if it is true. That said, you are totally going to tell someone this without checking aren’ t you?